In Between

I'm stuck here in Austin (tragic, I know).  But...for someone who's here...with family in Oahu and Corpus Christi and Albuquerque...it's tough sometimes.  Growing up, I was so close to my little brother, Jeff.  Now, he lives in Corpus, with a young son...who may never know me (not really).  And...that breaks my heart.  I think of all the moments growing up that shaped my life...all the memories shared with Jeff...and to think that his son may never really know me...tears my heart in two.  Then, there are our nieces in Hawaii.  Sure, we email, text, call...but we're not there for the day-to-day things.  I want them to know me...to turn to me.  And...not to forget my family in Albuquerque.  When things are tough, I can't even reach out for a hug.  It makes me wonder...why am I here?  I wish there were some way to wrap everyone up that's important to me, and carry them with me always.  How did things end up this way?  Where I'm here and not there, there, there.  If I know my priorities...how did they end up so out of line?

The tough thing (I think)...is the people I love, and the places I love, don't necessarily line up. So, where do I go from here?

Hairy Situations

Warning!  A trip down memory lane, with a pinch of narcissism to follow...

While searching through old photos, I was amused at all the random hairstyles I've entertained over the past 10 years.



There was the short and sleek phase, with super chopped bangs (we might revisit this phase):

 There was the trashy, dark-underneath with too many highlights plus lots of volume phase (hopefully, this one will never make a comeback):

There was the phase when I liked my hair like my beer...super dark and a bit out of control:

 The Howard Stern phase:

The short with side swept bangs phase (which coincided with the camera settings experimental phase):

 The long, blond and curly phase (also referred to as the "I wish I lived on a beach" phase):

 The nothing-special average length, natural color phase (someone please put a bag over my head...oh, wait):

 The short and curly:

 The sleek, mid length, long bangs phase:

 The what-the-hell was I thinking reddish phase:

 And, then this happened:

(Yes, I'm riding in the back of a truck in a lawn chair...so?)

 The no-bangs, too-blond, I'm in college and I don't care phase:

 What I like to refer to as the skunk phase...super dark underneath and blond on top (this one stinks!):

It's amazing what we do to express ourselves as we learn and grow.  I think sometimes, when I felt like my life needed a change, when something just had to be done...my hair got it!  Chopped off, dyed, curled, straightened, pulled back, scrunched, teased, spritzed, pulled, pinned, and more.

I feel worn out just thinking about it!

2 Months

I've made it past the 2 month mark...2 months without giving in to the urge to buy something new!  Actually, it hasn't been that bad...I've found other things to do with my time and money.  Yesterday, I walked through the Domain on my way to a facial...surrounded by temptation (with my annual bonus check freshly deposited into the bank), and I did just fine passing by all the shops.  Sure, there were a few window displays that almost lured me in...almost.

Not having the option to run out and buy the first thing I see has led to a greater utilization of the resources I already have.  For example, today I wore a blazer that's been sitting in my closet for at least 6 months...I had to pop the tags off!  I've done a better job mixing up the things that I already have, and I've learned to be more resourceful and creative with my clothing.  Spending less money on a bunch of new crap to fill my closet has also given me more momentum in paying off debt.  Another 10 months like this, and Jason and I will be well on our way to a debt free life.

I know this isn't a lifestyle that I could sustain forever...but I think it will teach me to learn the difference between wants and necessities.  And, it'll teach me to be more patient when it comes to shopping...to save for the things I really want and need...rather than mindlessly spending every spare dollar on whatever happens to be on sale at J. Crew.  It has allowed me to focus on the things that are really important to me...time with family and friends...travel...music...books.   

Not Half Bad

I completed my 4th half marathon on Sunday when I crossed the finish line of the Livestrong Austin Marathon.  It was my first race in about 2.5 years, and I must say, it really energized me!  There's something about going through a physical challenge like that...it really tests your mind and spirit, as well.  The feeling of moving alongside 20,000 other people that are facing the same challenges as you...it's just so inspirational.  You get that "we're all in this thing together" sort of feeling.  I had several moments when I was overcome with emotion and got the chills and even teared up a little from time to time. 

Livestrong created an awesome experience during miles 10-11 by creating what they called the "yellow mile."  There were so many fans on the side of the road, dressed in yellow, cheering for the runners.  The street was covered with inspirational messages, written in yellow sidewalk chalk.  The street was lined with huge yellow banners.  Suddenly, you just felt surrounded by love and hope.  It was an experience to remember. 

(I love the finisher shirt we got - I'll be wearing this one a lot in future training.)

(The finisher's medal is super cool!)

(Pace was so worn out from cheering me on all morning!)

Of course, one of the best parts about the race was seeing Jason, Jamie, and Pace there cheering me on!  They surprised me around mile 8, and were there at the finish line, as well.  We had a great post race party with friends and family, and I rewarded myself with more than my fair share of mimosas in the afternoon. 

This experience has really motivated me to keep up my running and to participate in more races.  I almost forgot about the awesome feeling that comes with finishing a race that raises money for so many good causes.  (Don't be surprised if I'm back next year!)

An Education

This has been a week of learning.  Learning about myself...things I already knew, but maybe that I'd forgotten or logged away somewhere in the depths of my mind so I wouldn't have to deal with them.  This is the type of thing I would do, considering that I'm a conflict avoider.  An introvert.  I don't let many people know me...do I really know me?  What I know is this...I'm not where I imagined I would be...you know, career-wise.  How many of us are?  I know there are people out there that absolutely love what they do, and I'm so envious of that.  I think that I could get by without loving what I do, but right now I don't even believe in it.  I don't know if the reason is that my personality type leads to self doubt.  I'm hard on myself...tougher than even the toughest crytic.  But...I don't think that's what's leading to my unhappiness.  Have you ever just felt so out of place and so disconnected with a cause?  It seems weird to me that I'd even be concerned with this type of thing...given the fact that I was born with this analytical mind...apparently it's some kind of brilliance but I don't feel it.  Can you imagine how disconcerting it feels to have your heart in the clouds and your mind tangled up in determination...to succeed...to please...to prove?  I still have these dreams of something greater...some purpose that would help me feel like my life has some sort of meaning.  But, day to day I'm here...trying to coach, trying to compete, trying to cope.  For what?  For whom?  Maybe my perspective is thrown so far off track that nothing has changed, yet everything seems different.  But, still...

I know that I'm right there on the edge...living somewhere between the promise of some future greatness and the mundane reality of the present.  But, there's no road map, and I'm so unsure of every step.  If only I could learn to trust myself.  I think...where would I be if I could just move past the fear?  Where would I be if I stopped doubting myself and my abitilies?  Where would I be if I just let go?

My 31st

It was a wonderful birthday week for me, with 2 nights of celebration!  Wednesday, I wore my pink birthday dress to work.  Jason and Jamie picked me up for lunch at Hyde Park Grille. 

After work, we went out for wine and food at El Arbol for dinner, which was absolutely wonderful and delicious!  Everything we ordered was super yummy.  I had the pork belly, Jamie the escolar and manchego gnochi, and Jason a steak with a side of fancy mac n' cheese. 

After dinner, we came home to enjoy some couch time with the pup and some new records (and more wine, of course).

Thank you to Jamie for my first Radiohead album on vinyl: Hail to the Thief [Vinyl].

We've really enjoyed using the record player Jason bought me for Christmas.  Our record collection has grown overnight! 

The celebration continued on Saturday night at the Gibson Bar with friends.  It was my first time there, and definitely a new favorite.  I got a bottle (yes, bottle) of malbec for $17 and spent the night lounging in a cozy booth, socializing with friends.  I have a feeling we'll be coming back here many times in the future.  It's close to home, they have great drinks, and cozy seating.  Plus, they're walking distance to some of the best food trailers in Austin.

One Month

Well, I made it through my first month of the secondhand challenge, and I'm still going strong.  I had a disturbing dream last night, though, in which I was in a store buying up all this clearance workout clothing, and didn't realize what I'd done until it was too late.  I wonder what this could mean?

Along the same lines, I've reached a dilemma.  My birthday was about a week ago, and one of my presents was a $100 gift card to J.Crew (one of my favorite stores).  While I don't want to break the rules of the secondhand challenge...I also don't want the $100 to go to waste.  Would it be cheating for me to use the gift card?  Part of me looks at it as accepting a gift (it would be the same as accepting a new piece of clothing that someone gave to me).  The other part of me worries that if I step into J.Crew with $100 to spend, I'll be in trouble and run the risk of taking a huge step back in how far I've come (1 month and counting, people!).  Maybe this is where the dream came from....

Oh, what to do?