This has been a week of learning. Learning about myself...things I already knew, but maybe that I'd forgotten or logged away somewhere in the depths of my mind so I wouldn't have to deal with them. This is the type of thing I would do, considering that I'm a conflict avoider. An introvert. I don't let many people know me...do I really know me? What I know is this...I'm not where I imagined I would be...you know, career-wise. How many of us are? I know there are people out there that absolutely love what they do, and I'm so envious of that. I think that I could get by without loving what I do, but right now I don't even believe in it. I don't know if the reason is that my personality type leads to self doubt. I'm hard on myself...tougher than even the toughest crytic. But...I don't think that's what's leading to my unhappiness. Have you ever just felt so out of place and so disconnected with a cause? It seems weird to me that I'd even be concerned with this type of thing...given the fact that I was born with this analytical mind...apparently it's some kind of brilliance but I don't feel it. Can you imagine how disconcerting it feels to have your heart in the clouds and your mind tangled up in determination...to succeed...to please...to prove? I still have these dreams of something greater...some purpose that would help me feel like my life has some sort of meaning. But, day to day I'm here...trying to coach, trying to compete, trying to cope. For what? For whom? Maybe my perspective is thrown so far off track that nothing has changed, yet everything seems different. But, still...
I know that I'm right there on the edge...living somewhere between the promise of some future greatness and the mundane reality of the present. But, there's no road map, and I'm so unsure of every step. If only I could learn to trust myself. I think...where would I be if I could just move past the fear? Where would I be if I stopped doubting myself and my abitilies? Where would I be if I just let go?
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